Yep, I'm still sick!

I feel sick today. I haven't felt well in a few weeks. I guess since Christmas. I'm starting to wonder if is not my PD but rather my PD is acting up because I am sick.

My stomach is upset to day and I am so freaking tired. I just don't feel right.

I actually have a Dr. appt with my primary care Dr. on Monday. I'll talk to her about it.

The odd thing is that I have been eating better the past two weeks and I've actually been doing a little bit of exercising....yoga, stretching...I even purposely took a flight of stairs at work one day (OMG!!!).

Anyway, my goal right now is to feel better by our vacation which is in three weeks.

Toodles.

Trying to be positive today....

My face is still at it today and I am so stiff on my right side.

But, I am trying to stay positive today. Being depressed doesn't do anyone any good. I am going to dig down and find the strength to push through this.

Still haven't heard from the Dr. yet. I'm figuring at this point I'll probably just wait till my appt on Feb 9th. (2 weeks)

I am going to ask her about adding an agonist and about getting an antidepressant. I think the combination will help.

I wonder sometimes if my expectation of how good I should feel is too high. I keep thinking I should be pain free...stiffness free..completely all the time. Maybe I need to adjust my expectation of that. Maybe it's my little piece of denial about having PD.

Sometimes I feel like I am being such a baby about the whole thing. I just need to suck it up and deal. I control they way to feel about things. I should just cut the crap and do it. Just do it! Lose weight, exercise, clean the house, do the laundry, spend time with my son, be a loving wife, be a good daughter a good sister, a good friend, a good worker.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHLY!!! Not much to ask for. And I know that I hold the keys to it all. I just haven't found the ones that fit the locks yet.

But I will...I am just going to keep trying until I do. There are no other options that will work for me. I just need to keep trying and not give up.

Toodles.

Feelings

I don't know what the heck I am feeling these days. I am so confused and frustrated. I feel depressed and sorry for myself at the same time being angry at myself for feeling that way. Knowing how lucky I am that I have so much in my life and that even with my disease it is still in such an early stage.

I just feel so overwhelmed by it all and I guess paralyzed by it all. I don't know how to make it better.

UGH...this is such wasted time feeling this way. It doesn't do any good.

I put a call into my neuro today. She's out sick with that nasty stomach but going around. So, hopefully I'll hear from her by tomorrow.

Right now, I just want to run away and hide but I won't...I'll keep on pushing through, feeling sorry for myself and feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself. What a messed up situation.

toodles.

I hate this disease!!!!

Ok, major rant coming up.

Today the right side of my face is pulled up into a smirk and is tremoring. It's been doing it since this morning and is not very painful.

My head in being pulled down and to the right side and is so stiff and also very painful.

My back is all contorted and the muscle under my shoulder blade is so tight....

I am in so much pain right now. And there isn't a effing thing I can do about it!

TODAY, I HATE PD!!!

And my poor husband. I can't tell him how awful I am feeling today. I have been so sick and sore lately. He has been so patient but I can see it is wearing on him.

WHY DID I HAVE TO HAVE THIS??? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL AGAIN???

I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself. I know it is wasted time and energy but today I just can't do it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

toodles.

Parkinson's and Emotions

This is and interesting article. I have had this happen to me often. I just thought it was depression. Who knew?? This disease continues to amaze me.

I have one occasion that I remember vividly. We too B to see CATS a year or two ago and when the show started I began crying and couldn't stop. It was the oddest thing. I chalked it up to CATS being a show I really loved when I first started to discover the theater. However, my reaction was way over the top. We're not talking just getting a little teary eyed..I was sobbing and couldn't stop it. P was a little freaked out.

I haven't had an episode to that extreme since but I do tend to get weepy at the oddest moments.

Like I said the other day...PD is like that damn box of chocolates!

Toodles

I spend my days at the doctor...

I use to joke with P about how much time his mother spent going to this dr or that dr. She was always having some sort of test for this or that. We couldn't fathom why someone would have to go to so many drs so often.

I now know! It seems every week there is something. This morning I was up and out of the house by 7:30 am (which for me is a minor miracle...I am NOT a morning person)to get to the medical lab by 8 am for a blood draw for my cholesterol check and for a glucose test. I was also having a 2hr glucose test so I had to drink that lovely orange crap and come back in 2 hrs for a 2nd blood draw. Luckily I had a fantastic tech who found a vein IN MY ARM, which is rare, and actually drew the blood really fast and I have NO brusing. YEAH!

Tomorrow I'm off to the Chiropractor in hopes of getting some relief for the dystonia that is driving me nuts! Then next Monday I have my follow up with my primary care Dr. B. She's going to kill me. Not only did I not lose the 10lbs I was suppose to but I gained 5 more since I last say her in Nov. I swear when I start to focus on my weight I just make things worse. I seriously would consider one of those gastric by-pass surgeries but I am not a canidate due to my PD...well that and the fact that I am a big chicken.

So, since I got the invitation to my HS reunion I keep dreaming about people from HS. Last night I dreamt about my HS boyfriend. His name was Ken. We dated the 2nd half of my freshman year into the 1st half of my sophmore year. It was a wonderful first dating experience. I often wonder what became of him. Maybe I'll try and look him up.

That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Toodles!

PD and Me...

With PD every day is different. You never know what your going to get (kinda like a box of chocolates...but I digress).

I am still learning to adjust to this fact. I've got a few weeks without the terrible dystonia that I get. I get it mostly in my back, neck & hip. It is terribly painful. My back especially. It pulls the muscles under my shoulder blade. It actually makes it feel like one of my ribs is being pulled out. It's not, but that's what it feels like. The tightness wraps around from my spine to just under my right breast.

My right hip is being pulled forward and it causes me to walk funny. And it aggravates my back. My hips are literally turned. It's uncomfortable but not as painful. I also get it in my neck and face. I pulls my head to the left and the tightness in my face is in my lower jaw and pulls my mouth downward.

I have pain patches that I use for my back when I need them. Other than that, I haven't found the secret to making it feel better.

I went for about four weeks without having it. Then yesterday morning I woke up and BAM! there it was again.

I really just want to feel normal again. I don't think that is ever going to happen. I haven't wrapped my head around that yet. I have to come to grips with what is my "new" normal. I just haven't figured that part out yet.

I've also noticed some issues with my voice lately. Mostly when I sing. I don't have the volume and control that I use to have. It's not hugely noticeable...at least I don't think it is. It's just noticeable to me. And it sucks.

I have a Neuro appt in two weeks. I want to talk to her about my options. She added the extra amantadine and that worked great! The Zelapar she switched me to was a mistake. Didn't work at all. So, I'm still on the Selegiline which seems to work well.

I just feel like things could be better.

When did this happen???

Ok, reality is setting in. I am getting old.

Today in the mail I received an invitation to my 20th high school reunion...

MY TWENTYETH!!!!! How the hell did that happen???

I remember HS like it was yesterday.

Not sure if I'm going to go. I haven't gone to any of the others up till now but perhaps enough time has passed and I've gained enough self confidence that it could be fun to go.

Unbelievable!! I am still in shock.

****SIGH****

Toodles

Randomness

Spent all weekend being bums and putting away Christmas stuff. It took forever!!!

Yesterday, my mom-in-law was suppose to watch B b/c he had a professional day (no school for kids/teachers have to still go). So, I ended up working at home. I love working at home. I wish I could do it all the time. I feel so much better physically and mentally.

I've been kind of sad the past day or so. I just feel like I am not the person I want to be and I know that only I can change that...but, I have no motivation to do it. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I need to work on. My weight...by diet & exercise, being a better more involved mom, keeping the house in order, being a better more supportive and involved wife...UGH. I just don't know where to start.

I have become bored with my job I think. I still like it and I like the people I work with, I'm just bored. I think I am just bored in general. I'm not depressed, I just have no "zest for life" right now. I feel like I've lost my spark. I'm sure it'll pass...it's just weird.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son is growing up so fast. He has turned into a "tween". Where has the time gone?? He's going to be 11 in few months. The other night he couldn't fall asleep and he asked me to come sit with him. I laid down in bed with him and rubbed his back and sang to him...just like I did when he was a baby. I thought to my self to enjoy the moment because there probably won't be many like that for a long time. He even looks like a young man now. All dressed in track pants and the long sleeve shirt with the t-shirt over it. AND....he woke up the other morning with his first pimple on his face!! I am so not ready for this. I want my little boy back. **sigh**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother in law is crazy. Her new obsession is where she wants to be buried when she dies. She apparently informed my husband the other day that she wants to be buried with us and she wants us to buy a plot now before it gets to late. Oy vey!
I am not thinking about this yet. When she dies...then we'll figure it out. And hopefully that won't be for many more years...because as much as we say how much she drives us crazy, we'd be devastated if something happened to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, we bit the bullet and we're heading back to D I S N E Y for Feb vacation. My ingenous husband found a way to do it. The catch is that we have to drive to Philly to fly out. We're nuts! But, we found a way we could afford to do it. Because of his annual pass from last year still being good, we got a discounted rate at the Coronado Springs Resort. I am so excited. I love going there. It just is a great vacation. This will be our 5th time. YIKES...we are spoiled. I never thought I'd be the type to go on two major vacations a year...but I have to say I do enjoy it.

Ok, that's enough for now.
Toodles!

When friends disagree...

We had an interesting thing happen to us this week. I was going to blog about it when the first part happened but I am glad I waited because the ending was much different than I thought it was going to be.

P & I have these friends that we have known since college. (I've mentioned them before). We've been friends for over 15 years and they have been good friends, particularly in the past few years since my diagnosis. About 10 years ago they became b o r n a g a i n C h r i s t i a n s. (done that way to make it less search able). At first we were perplexed and shocked but over the years we've come to accept it. We have tried to not be judgemental but rather tolerant of their beliefs. They have never tried to push their beliefs on us. We've been to their church and actually enjoy the sermons given by their pastor. We've had some religious conversations but more on the philosophical side and some spiritual. We have, for the most part, stayed away from the "hot button" subjects.

This week that changed.

On Wed this week our friend K forwarded out an email requesting that we call our representatives in Congress to tell then to not support a certain bill. The email itself was not really inflammatory (although I disagreed with the opinion and actually supported the bill) but it was the fact that the original email came from a group called ~A m e r i c a n ~ F a m i l y ~ A s s o c i a t i o n~ . This group is a radical "~c h r i s t i a n~v a l u e s~" group.

We were shocked that he would be associated with such a group.

P called me when it came in and we discussed. P has had direct "conflict" with this group before through his work. They are not a nice organization and they are known for spreading fear, hatred, and intolerance. Anyway, he said he wasn't going to respond because he was going to give K the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, he sent it to us in error. He had never sent anything like this before. I, on the other hand, could not. After reading the bill, I realized that they were completely off base with their assessment. So, I sent a simple email to our friend K asking him if he had actually read the bill and saying that I didn't agree with the assessment. That was it...no attack, no asking him to not send me things like this, no judgement...

This is what I got back:

> So you agree that this overly burdensome reporting scheme is good for
> "grassroots" organizations? Why would larger firms with paid lobbies
> not have to do the same reporting on their activates? I believe, as
> does the A F A, that this is an attempt to silence opposing views to the

> larger well funded liberal voices setting public policy these days.
>
> Yes, I read the bill. As confusing as it is, ultimately I believe it
> will restrict organizations like the A F A who simply do not have the
> resources to manage the mountain of paperwork associated with this
> action. I also believe it infringes on the First Amendment rights of
> these organizations:
>
> "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,
> or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
> speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
> assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
>
> Perhaps this will more every American from their complacency and serve

> as a "Call-to-Arms" to get involved with local, state, and national
> governance. Then again, maybe not! President Lincoln in the
> Gettysburg Address highlighted that the Civil War involved an even
> larger issue which we still deal with today. This he stated most
> movingly coining this phrase: "that we here highly resolve that these
> dead shall not have died in vain--that this nation, under God, shall
> have a new birth of freedom--and that government of the people, by the

> people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." This bill
> is not "for the people."

My response to this when I forwarded it to my husband was a simple...WOW.

At this point, P could no longer just sit idly by. Now, he had to respond.

He sent the following:

> Yes, J and I agree that this amendment is good for all
> organizations. What this bill aims to do is close a loophole in
> existing federal lobbying regulations. Larger firms with paid lobbies

> are not exempted. This bill will actually tighten restrictions on
> paid lobbying activities as well. The portions of the bill being
> opposed are targeted to organizations that pay to influence more than
> 500 people and receive or spend more than $25,000 in a quarter on such

> activities. All not-for-profit organizations are required to submit
> certain reports regarding their activities including 990 reports,
> w-2's, 1099's to the IRS, and various other state and federal reports.

> Some reports are required for bureaucratic reasons and others are
> required for public disclosure so tax payers understand the finances
> and activities of the tax exempted organization. The reporting
> requirements in this bill are not onerous and are accomplished with a
> simple report to be filed quarterly. An organization that can afford
> to spend more than $25,000 in a quarter to lobby more than 500 people
> should not have difficulty fulfilling the requirements.
>
> As for rhetoric like "...well funded liberal voices setting public
> policy these days." I will only say that it has been the conservative

> party that has controlled the congress since 2002 and the White House
> since 2001.
>
> I don't believe that the proposed legislation has anything to do with
> silencing opposing views or free speech. Groups like the ~A F A should
> have no issue with public disclosure of their lobbying activities.
> The ~A F A~ though engages regularly in attempts to silence or shut down
> those with actual or perceived views opposite of theirs. This has
> been felt directly by myself and my colleagues when the ~A F A~ organized
> a campaign against us. Prior to that
> situation I was aware of the A F A ' s attempt to reduce N a t i o n a l
> E n d o w m e n t f o r t h e A r t s funding because of their opposition to various
> work partially funded by the N E A. While I could not more vehemently
> oppose the positions that the A F A takes on many issues I firmly
> believe they have the right to express those opinions even if they
> include the spread of fear, hatred, and intolerance. My prayer for
> A F A and other groups like them is that they use their gifts to promote

> peace, tolerance, and love in the true spirit of Christ.
>
> "Government ought to be all outside and no inside. . . . Everybody
> knows that corruption thrives in secret places, and avoids public
> places, and we believe it a fair presumption that secrecy means
> impropriety."
> -Woodrow Wilson
>
> "A popular Government, without popular information, or the means of
> acquiring it, is but a prologue to a farce or a tragedy; or, perhaps,
> both. Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean
> to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which
> knowledge gives."
> -James Madison 1832
>
> James Madison and Woodrow Wilson saw the problems with secrecy in
> government and I'm sure Abraham Lincoln did as well. "We the people"
> should know from whom and for what our government officials are being
> lobbied. That should include all lobbying activity including
> "grassroots" lobbying.

I was so proud of him. I thought he pointed out the facts (and the fact that he felt that K was just blindly following them) but did not personally judge or attack K.

The first response from K was:

At this point we should just agree to disagree. I do not want to lose a friendship over a political issue.

P responded with a simple: Agreed.

The next morning (around 10ish) we received the following:

I was wrong.

After a more careful look at this bill it makes a lot of sense. And
while I believe there is some concern for the added burden placed on
small organizations, I agree transparency is always a good thing.

Sorry for ruffling your feathers.

We were shocked and moved. That was the friend we knew.

P responded:

It takes courage to say what you did so thank you. I'm glad you came
to your opinion based on a careful analysis. Spirited debate is
healthy and it's great that we share a passion for our country and
being involved citizens. Plus it's not often you will find an e-mail
thread with quotes from the First Amendment, James Madison, Woodrow
Wilson, and Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address :)

We have not heard from him again. I think all is going to be well and they are still our friends. It was just an eye opening experience.

I realized that there must be so many others like our friend K who just blindly follow what these groups say...without questioning.

I just do not understand how someone can not think for themselves...how they can not seek out all the information before making a judgement or decision.

Definitely a lesson.

Toodles.

Interesting...

Catherine mentioned this on her blog a few days ago. I did it today and got some interesting results.

Rankings:

1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8028_1.html
2. Liberal Quakers (90%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8038_1.html
3. Unitarian Universalism (86%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8041_1.html
4. Reform Judaism (75%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8054_1.html
5. Orthodox Quaker (70%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8037_1.html
6. Neo-Pagan (65%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8058_1.html
7. New Age (61%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8055_1.html
8. Secular Humanism (58%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8040_1.html
9. Bahá'í Faith (56%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8051_1.html
10. Mahayana Buddhism (56%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8045_1.html
11. Theravada Buddhism (54%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8042_1.html
12. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (50%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8029_1.html
13. Sikhism (50%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8049_1.html
14. New Thought (49%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8056_1.html
15. Seventh Day Adventist (48%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8036_1.html
16. Scientology (46%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8057_1.html
17. Eastern Orthodox (45%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8033_1.html
18. Roman Catholic (45%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8030_1.html
19. Hinduism (43%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8047_1.html
20. Taoism (41%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8059_1.html
21. Orthodox Judaism (40%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8053_1.html
22. Jainism (36%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8048_1.html
23. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (36%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8039_1.html
24. Islam (35%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8052_1.html
25. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (29%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8035_1.html
26. Nontheist (29%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8027_1.html
27. Jehovah's Witness (19%) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/80/story_8034_1.html

I know...I haven't blogged...

Between being sick and getting back into the swing of things at work and the fact my PD med decided not to work this week....I haven't been able to blog.

I will try to get back to it this week.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Oh, and apparently it is National DeLurker Week...so all you Lurkers...here's your chance to De-Lurk!

Toodles

Rosie Vs. Donald

OK, this is just getting ridiculous.

As an admirer of Rosie I as completely turned off by Donald's orginal comments. So much so that I did NOT watch the Apprentice this Sunday. (and I've watched every season).

He really is pathetic. Barbara Walters has that part right.

I think it just really shows the charecter of the man. It's funny. He calls Rosie a bully when really he is the one acting childish.

OH, isn't it fun to watch celebrities!

Toodles

Catherine's Tarot Card Test

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Life is just so unfair sometimes...

My best friend of 15+ years is going in for a hysterectomy tomorrow. She's only 37.

She lives in PA and I'm here in MA and I feel so helpless. I wish I lived closer so I could help more.

She has had fertility issues for the last 11 years and has done every proceedure you can think of. Even flying to Chicago to go through a controversial one with viagra. In her own words, "we make beautiful embryos but they just won't stick". She never suffered a miscarriage (as far as I can remember) but went through neumerous treatment each ending in a negative beta. Each time I would talk to her on the phone and try to console and just be there. I would tell her everything happens for a reason. (my life mantra). And, it did. She has two beautiful boys now. One via adoption and one via a surrogate (one beautiful embryo that did stick in someone else!). So, looking back we can see how all the heart ache led to bringing both those boys into her life.

I know that there will be a reason for this hysterectomy, that somewhere down the line we'll look back and it'll all make sense. But right now, it just plain sucks. I can only imagine what she is going through. How scared she must be. Not to mention dealing with the whole emotional side of knowing now for sure there will never be any chance of her being pregnant and bring a baby to full term. I understand that part. P and I talk about him getting a vasectomy but neither of us really can make a decision. Even though we know having another baby would just not be the best idea for us...we can't make that call to completely shut the door.

Anyway, I am going to call her later to see how she is doing. I hope and pray that it goes smoothly and that she has a quick recovery and can put all everything behind her and finally have some peace about everything.

All you readers, please say a extra prayer for her for me... Thanks!

Toodles.

Happy New Year!!

Well, 5 days in and I am finally coming up for some air.

I've been sick since New Years Day with this terrible cold thing that everyone in my office has had. It turned into a sinus infection. Today is the first day I've been at work this week.

P's uncle passed away on Dec 30th so we had the wake and funeral this week. It was an interesting experience. I'll write more about that later. Let me just say that I am sooo glad my husband is adopted! It really does explain why he is so radically different than almost EVERYONE in his family...including his mother. Who is a whole story onto herself. I'll give you a tease...she turns to me when we are at the lunch after the funeral and out of the blue says "I wish we could be friends and hang out. Go for lunches and shopping"...I didn't know quite what to say to her. I thought we were friends???

Anyway, must run because I am late leaving work. I am so glad it's Friday and I can relax this weekend. Well...I have to put away all the Christmas stuff and do laundry and clean...but we don't have to be anywhere.

Toodles!