Black Mood

P and I had a disagreement last night.

Then last night I had a terrible dream. The details are kind of fuzzy but the bottom line is he was making fun of me behind my back to other people. Tapping into my self esteem issues I guess. It was really unnerving...I can't explain it. I woke up at 5am and was crying. I was so upset. I just felt so betrayed. I know it was only a dream and it's my sub-conscience telling me something but it just felt so real. I haven't been able to shake the feeling.

It's been a rough week. AQ was found in an alley then end of last week. AQ was in the hospital in the psych ward since then. AQ was released yesterday and is staying with AQ's parents. It's been a very rough week. Lots more to tell there...just no time right now.

Found out my coworker (who sits right behind me) is pregnant again. When the f%*k is this not going to bother me anymore??? You'd think that after 2 years of being told it's probably never going to happen on it's own AND intellectually knowing that having another baby would not be the best idea given my medical situation....still....it just sucks. I was genuinely happy for her when she told me. I even think I squealed...then that night it set in. UGH. It's going to be a long 9 months...

Anyway, must get ready for work now. I don't want to. I really just want to get back in bed and pull the covers over my head. Ah, depression...rearing it's ugly head again. AF isn't due till next week. Hopefully when she arrives this black mood I'm in will go away. One can only hope.

Can't think...can't eat...so worried

Day 5 and no sign of AQ.

The police said that once they run his plates they usually find people within 24 hours.

It's been 5 days.

We all fear the worse.

AQ had no means of communication. Work took the cell phone from AQ. So, AQ has no phone and no ones numbers even if AQ wanted to call one of us.

AQ's parents are a mess. I fear that this is killing them both.

Please pray for AQ and his family. We all need it.

Not a great week....

I am just not a happy person today.

Tired...cranky...pms? little early for that.

My son broke his wrist last week falling off his bike. Broke both wrist bones in his right arm. (yep, he's right handed) He's in a cast up to his armpit. He's actually being a real trooper about it and is adjusting to school work quite well. It's just added to the stress level in our house.

I hate 5th grade homework. I hated homework when I was in school and I hate it now as a parent. I know...it suppose to help him better his skills...blah,blah,blah. Maybe I am the worse parent in this regard but I just get so stressed and pissed off at the amount of homework he gets. My husband and I both work full time. I get out of work at 5pm...pick up my son by 5:45ish..home by 6pm. Start dinner, get him started on his 2hours of homework. Somewhere in the middle of doing homework, we eat. He just started taking the French Horn in band (his choice...he's actually a natural at it...who knew??). He's suppose to practice 10 minutes everyday. He takes a shower each night and is suppose to be in bed by 9pm. You do the math... there is simply not enough time to do it all without going insane. It just is so stressful.


Also, AQ (from a previous post) is at it again. Just found out that AQ's spouse has also been using all this time too. It is just a disaster. AQ was fired last Friday...Monday went and got severance & bonus check and then disappeared. Noone has heard from AQ since Monday morning. We are all very worried. Just waiting for the call that AQ has been found dead in some alley somewhere. It is all just so surreal.... AQ's parents are a mess. I am very, very worried about them. It just plain sucks. All the lies...and their poor kids. I just don't know what to do.

Anyway, hubby just walked in the door so I have to give him dinner. I just hope this week gets better. I really don't want it to go down hill any more.

Toodles.

Weight Watchers

So, I joined WW for the umpteenth time last Friday. I've been doing well since then. For me the first couple of weeks aren't the problem. It's 6 - 8 weeks in when I hit the wall and want to eat everything in site. Well see. I am inspired this time...hopefully it will work. I've got A LONG way to go.

I start back with my Community Chorus tonight. I am looking forward to it. But, I am just flat out tired tonight. I just want to go to sleep. I have a headache and my throat has been scratchy all day. I hoping it's just allergies. The ragweed is terrible.

That's about it. I'm waiting for my pork chops to be done and my hubby to come home so we can eat. Pretty average day all in all.

Toodles.

Sept 11, 2001 - Never Forget

It's hard to imagine that five years has gone by. So much has happened in my life since then but I can still clearly remember the details of that day. Just as if it had happened yesterday.

My husband left for a business trip in Toronto that morning. He was up and left the house at 6pm. I had a team meeting that morning at 9am with my new business unit in sales and it was my job to set up the room/breakfast etc. So, I got my son out
the door to school (he was in kindergarten) and was on the road to work by 8:15 (a minor miracle for me). I put the news station on the radio and was listening to a report about a plane crashing into the Twin Towers in NYC. I had just pulled in
to the parking lot at work. I sat there and said to myself, I don't need to worry about my husband because he was heading to Canada and his plane would be no where near NYC. I was running late for the set up of my meeting so I turned the car off and headed into work.

The next hour was a blur. As work of the 2nd plane hitting got out I was running between the conference room where I was making sure everything was going smoothly for the 9am meeting and my desk where I was trying to get information on what
exactly was happening. I was instant messaging with my mom (who lives in Fairfield, CT - 45 minutes out side of NYC) and she said it was crazy what was happening. I told her that my husband was flying to Canada that morning. She then IM'd me
"Janice, they are high-jacking these planes...." I felt the blood rush out of my face. I was completely terrified now.

I started to frantically search for the stupid itinerary that he gave me. I tried calling his cell phone...no luck, wouldn't go through. What the heck time was he suppose to land...I called his secretary...couldn't get through. It was the scariest hour of my life. I didn't know what was going on. Then the first tower fell. It was all surreal. Then finally Paul's secretary called me and said she had spoken to him. That he was on the ground in Toronto and he was ok. Then the 2nd tower fell. For a period of time there was so much confusion...planes hitting the pentagon (which was true) and the Capitol (which wasn't).

One of my co-workers had a close friend who worked for Cantor-Fitzgerald. He was the boyfriend of her room mate, they all went to college together. Her roommate called and said that there was a message on her voicemail from him. He didn't survive.

Around noon time we were all sent home. I went and picked up my son from school. I wanted him home with me. We played games and hung out. I kept the TV off. He was only 5. This was too much for me to handle at 31...never mind a 5 year old. He took a nap for an hour at one point. I turned the TV on...it was all so unbelievable.

I am originally from NY. Born in the Bronx. My parents grew up in the Bronx and most of my extended family still live in NYC. We didn't know if any of them had been effected. It would be a day or so before we knew that some how we were lucky and no one was hurt. My uncle was a security guard at one of the surrounding buildings (the one that had the side collapse later in the day). He got out, unhurt. My cousin was walking on his way to work at the towers when the first plane hit. He was running late and wasn't inside the building when it happened. He was fine.

I now live in the metro west of Boston, MA. The company I work for is around the corner from TJX, who lost 7 employees. My husband was flying that day and very likely took off in between the two planes that hit the towers. Somehow, through the Grace of God, through Fate, through just being damn lucky....I lost no one close to me that day. That day changed me, as it did so many others. It made me realize what is important in this life. Family, friends, Love.

It took my husband three days to get back home. He and his co-workers ended up renting a car and driving back. He met me at my son's soccer game that Friday afternoon. I was so happy to see him. So grateful that he was alive. But, it took us a few days to be comfortable with each other. We both had very different experiences that Sept 11th. He faced his own mortality and I faced the prospect of losing him...if only for an hour. It pales in comparison to those who lost love ones that day. But, it gave me glimmer of the pain they must have felt. I hope to never be that close to that again and I say a prayer everyday for the ones who are still in pain to this day.

So, five years have passed. My life is definitely better today than it was then. My marriage is stronger. My relationship with my son is better. I talk to my parents, siblings, friends more. I try to take nothing for granted. I live for today and hope for tomorrow. It can all be gone in an instant. But, I refuse to live in fear. That takes up too much time. I want to spend my time doing the things that I love with the people I love. So, at least for me, the terrorists did not succeed. If anything, they made me see the things that are truly important in life. Out of the terror of that day I gained a clarity that may have taken years for me to find. It is amazing.