Our friend L & K

So, my friend L called this morning. She said she would be coming down to her sisters to pick up some stuff (her sister lives in the same town as us) and wanted to know if she could stop by for a visit. We said sure.

P & I frantically cleaned the house and showered. She called at 11:45 to say she was on her way. She came here with her youngest son A. (she has two other boys).

My friend L was my college roomate for my junior year. We shared an apartment with our friend K, who later became her husband. Today she told me that she is pregnant again. I am truly happy for them. I think they are great parents. It just made me so upset. Luckily she didn't stay long.

Afterwards, I was just numb. I didn't know what to feel. All I could think was isn't it great that people can just decide they want to have more kids and BAMM.. they have them. She even made a comment about how it took 3 months for her to get PG. OH BOY!! It took me 8 years to get PG again only to have it end in an ectopic.

I guess I am jealous of her. That's such a bad emotion.

When am I going to be ok with the fact that I am only going to have one child? When am I going to know that my family is complete? When am I going to just be satisfied and happy with what I have?

Intellectually, I can understand why we shouldn't have more children. With all my medical issues and the fact that the one child we do have is a handful. But, in my heart, I can't seem to accept that. I just want a daughter. I girl that I can relate with. I guess I am being selfish.

My husband P, of course has been wonderful again. He just held me and let me cry it out. I do feel better after crying. It's a good release. Prior to that, I still just felt numb. At least by crying, I felt something.

I keep praying that I can fell ok with all this. That I can just accept that this is what God has planned for us. It's just so hard.

I hope our vacation is good. I'm concerned because I've been so tired the past few days. I am hoping it's just because I have my period and that is why my PD symptoms are acting up. I don't want to ruin our vacation.

J & P

Another drug added....

So, Dr. B added Lipitor to my meds. My cholesterol is 270. Way too high. It's been high my whole life! I am concerned what it could do to me and my PD. I need to do some research before I take it. I don't want to make matters worse! I have enough to deal with.

I really am hoping to get motivated to diet & exercise now. Well see what happens.....

Is there a baby in our future?

Ok, so I don't know how I feel about this. I get obsessed every month still that I might be PG but then when I find out I am not, I am fine with it. Not all crazyily depressed like I use to be.

I know that getting PG again would not be the best thing for us. I am still dealing with my PD. Adding a baby to our lives could make it difficult. There is already such a burden on P to take care of me & B, how could I expect him to then take care of a baby.

But, on the other hand, I feel like having a baby would be good for me. It would give me someone to take care of other than myself.

I don't know...I am so confused by all this. I know that God has a plan but I just can't seem to figure out what that plan is suppose to be.

P and I have been miserable lately. I hope it's just that we need a vacation. P is so angry all the time. He is so nitpicky about EVERYTHING. He is always yelling at me and at Brian and the dog. I think it's just stress. He has so much on his mind.

I fell like I am in such a rut. I can't seem to find the strength to get motivated to do anything!! I don't know...I am just so confused...I hope that someday soon I'll have some clarity about it all. I hope so.

What a tangled web we weave...eh Rollo old boy!

Title has nothing to do with my post. Just thought of it. It was a line from a play I did in college. I can't even remember the name of the play. I played an eccentric old woman name Lucricia. It was an odd play. As were most of the plays I did in college.

I'm doing ok. Not great but ok. I've been dealing with depression the last two weeks. Kind of scary depression that I haven't had in years. I'm fighting it but it's hard. I am still coming to terms with all that has happened this year. Losing the baby and my PD. It's hard. I hope that I get to a point someday where I can accept it and then live life to the fullest. Right now I just have a hard enough time getting up in the morning.

P and I have been fighting a lot lately. He's tired, I know. He does so much. It must be so hard on him but he just keeps plugging along. But, he's edgy lately. And with me being edgy, it doesn't make for a happy couple. I know it's only temporary but it still sucks. I like it better when we are happy.

Well, must get back to work now. Vacation is two weeks away! I can't wait.

Toodles.

Today would have been my due date

So, I am actually doing much better than I thought I would be. I am not overly distraught. I'm just a little sad. I know everything happens for a reason. I really am trying (and succeding I think) to live in the here and now. Not it the what might have been.

I've been depressed this past week. I think my hormones are all out of whack. The past three cycles have been so weird. The first I bled like crazy the first day and then just spotting the next four. Then the 2nd month, I just spotted for 6 days. Then I went 40 days before I got my next period. And I bled pretty much normal. I had one day (the first I think) where I had really, really bad cramps. I passed a really weird looking clot. Kind of greyish purplish in color and about the size of a silver dollar. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, I am hoping to get back on track with my diet & exercise. I need to become determined about it and just do it. I need to take control. God willing, I'll be able to.

That's it for now. Talk to you later.

July 1st

So, for about 24 hours this week I thought I was pregnant again. I took a Answer Quick and Simple HPT and it came up positive but very faintly. I waited and tested the next morning and it was a BFN. I was very sad. I was so excited to think I was pregnant. I had such a vivid dream this month that we were going to have a girl. It was so hard to explain it just felt so real. But, it wasn't meant to be. I got my period the very next day.

My EDD from my last PG is coming up. July 7th. I was also excited to think that I was PG again before my EDD. I have so many mixed emotions about this whole ordeal. I don't really know how I feel or what I want. I feel this tugging to have another child. But, I know that because of my PD it probably isn't the best idea. However, since I've been on the meds and my CPAP machine, I feel so much better. I think that is why I feel like I could handle taking care of another baby. I don't know. It's so confusing.

I need to take care of myself. I need to lose weight and get in better shape by exercising. I have to prepare my body to better handle what it is going to go through in the next few years.

Well, I need to get to cleaning the house and stuff. We have a house full this weekend. I hope we have and enjoyable time. I don't want it to be stressful. I hope it's not. I know it can get to Paul sometimes.