depressed...angry.....sad

so, i just don't even know where to start... P and I had another huge blow out again...they seem to happen on a weekly basis now. i am trying so hard to understand his point of view. i just am having such a hard time. he seems to blow up at me out of no where...over the dog not being taken out or the the house not being clean...but i think deep down it is something else that is making him so angry all the time.

i feel like i am holding myself together these days by a thread...a very thin thread. i dont' know...maybe i am feeling sorry for myself...maybe im confused..maybe i am a drama queen...maybe I am all the things paul says i am. i just know that i am trying to do the best i can with what i am given.

i get up every day and i hurt. my body hurts. it is a reminder the very first moment i get out of bed that i will never again in my life be the way i use to be. that this is a DEGERATIVE disease. but i push through and i go downstairs and i take care of the dog and get brian ready and get myself out the door. most mornings late...but i go as fast as i can. i never feel like it is good enough...i always feel like i am failing someone. paul, brian, work, myself....

P thinks that i am a drama queen... i am trying so hard to understand him...but i don't think i have it in me to really understand what he is going through. i guess in this respect i really am being selfish.

i feel like i use all my physical and mental energy just to get up everyday and go to work for a full 8 hrs. By the end of the work day, I have NOTHING left. But, that is not an option, i have a son & husband who need me to be there. i try so hard to push through it..but i feel like i am going to have a breakdown soon. everything is just so overwhelming...with everything going on with Brian at school...with my marriage falling apart... I AM JUST SO ANGRY...AND SAD...AND HURT...AND REALLY, REALLY ANGRY....

I want to be the type of person who just "rolls with it". I want to be the person who never complains and just lives life to the fullest everyday. But, I am failing miserably at being that person. I hurt and I complain, and I get mad, and I don't roll with it...

I want to take care of P now but as he so wonderfully pointed out to em..."Get real Jan, you can't even take care of yourself"... I am so fucking useless...

I just don't know what to do...everytime I try and talk to P about this he mocks me and belittles me and makes me feel so stupid for feeling this way. I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how to be the person he wants me to be.. I don't know how to be there for him right now. I don't know how to tell him that I love him and I need him. I don't know how I can ask him to care for me for the rest of his life. That is so unfair to him...so not what he signed up for. So, not what he deserves...so not what should be. He has a wife that has a degernative neurologica disease and a son who has NLD, which causes all sorts of issues. Who the hell wants to deal with that? Yeah, he said "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"....but lets get real here folks... did he really thing things would be this way? I don't think so. I certainly didn't.

I feel so helpless right now.

help.